Nicknames are almost never catchy, never clever, and so it's usually best to stay away. But we're gonna try this anyway:
Until further notice*, the Royals' renovated Kauffman Stadium will be referred to on this blog as "the Cougar" -- as in, Zack Greinke pitches for the Royals tonight as they begin a three-game series against the Indians at the Cougar.
* Further notice basically means if you guys don't like it. You readers are my world. I live to serve.
My buddy Jeff Passan deserves at least half of the credit/blame for this nickname. He was at the game yesterday, writing about the A-Rod drama, and I asked him what he thought of the new digs.
"It looks great," he said, and there was a pause. "It's like a 38-year-old woman who got a really good facelift."
Another pause, and then the only strike of creativity during my day, which is a shame because I was also writing the game story for today's paper.
"Yes," I said. "It's like the cougar of ballparks."
There were a few more jokes along these lines that probably shouldn't be written here, but that's what imaginations are for, right?
I'm hoping this sticks, and it actually goes along with an idea some folks at the office had for a theme for our baseball section.
Now, this theme did not make it past the very early stages of planning, but it had some comedy potential, built around what could be viewed as a mid-life crisis for the Royals. Humor me:
The Royals came in, a child star in the 1970s, big lights, national stages, and had the best year of their life in 1985, at the age of 17. They were famous, wildly successful, had the world at their fingertips, but then as they grew older they started to let themselves go.
They stopped keeping up on their basic hygiene, hoping nobody would notice, and for a few years there in their 30s, they were very much the old guy at the club, trying to fit it.
But as the Royals entered their late 30s, they joined a gym (hiring Dayton Moore), promised they'd use the membership (giving Moore and his people more freedom than Allard Baird enjoyed), and are now losing weight (have improved win total three years in a row), and finding their way in the world again (future is legitimately brighter).
We were thinking that maybe the $250 million renovation was like the convertible you buy for a mid-life crisis, but I think I like it better to think of the "new" ballpark as a character in itself, the Cougar who had major reconstructive surgery and is now the hottest mama on the block.
It fits all the cougar criteria: experienced lady who was once the most beautiful around found herself passed up by younger, fresher faces and decided to take major action to get back on the prowl.
What we have now is a gorgeous building that maintains the same heart, soul and experience, but now comes with all kinds of new "toys" and attractions that can match any of the new stadiums.
Yes. We will call it the Cougar from here on out.
She is beautiful, isn't she?
Stop trying to make Kougar happen. It's not going to happen.