Now, please be honest.
Did you go to the Royals game last night?
Were you lucky enough to sit in the Crown Seats?
First row? Dead middle, second seat over toward the third base line? In a blue shirt?
If you answered yes to these questions, please stop reading this blog. You are no longer welcome.
You spent most of the first six innings on your cell phone, waving toward the camera on every pitch, and Major League Baseball should add a provision about you on the back of its tickets.
The holder of this ticket agrees to act in a civilized manner, which includes appropriate dress, language, not running on the field, and under no circumstance will you use your seat behind home plate to call your buddy and wave.
Violators will be immediately ejected and kicked in the groin.
This is nothing personal against you, blue shirt. I'm sure that away from the ballpark, or even away from the good seats that offered a temptation you could not refuse, that you are a good person.
Consider me a friend trying to help you out, trying to show you the better way.
If you absolutely need to let your friends know you got sweet seats, text them:
R U watching the game? Chk me out...Im in blue shirt...not waving like a moron.
It's a free country and all, but know that with every wave, every single person watching on TV who is not on the phone with you thinks you're a clown.
And maybe even the person on the phone with you, too.
Oh, you're not as morally bankrupt as the guy cussing with kids around. Or as gross as the fat guy with no shirt who can't keep his pants up and gives you a view of his butt crack.
And in the argument for most annoying fan at a game, this blog will tolerate arguments for the guy who thinks he's a baseball scout/manager/coach, the guy who thinks every call (good or bad) is a terrible one, and the guy who really thinks he's better than the ones on the field (exceptions include if you happen to be sitting next to Albert Pujols).
We may even allow arguments for the 40-year-old guy who brings his glove to the game.
But those arguments will only be tolerated, not accepted.
Because there is no worse fan than the cell phone guy, who embodies the worst of the 21st century, from misuse of technology to me-first to being an unnecessary distraction during what should be an escape entertainment to sacrificing the enjoyment of thousands of others just so he can giggle to his friend.
We're decades past putting a man on the moon, and we're now building billion-dollar stadiums with martini bars and interactive games for kids and HD video boards the size of Kansas Speedway, but we can't figure out how to make sure cell phones can't work in the first five rows behind home plate?
This blog will never promote violence or crime, but it will offer a free guest post and lunch to the first fan who spots a cell phone guy, grabs the phone, and stomps it in the ground. Any lawsuit or bail charges are on you, but hopefully you agree that it will be worth it.
This needs to happen, and soon.
We'll also forward any donations that come our way in the event that one of you are wonderful enough to do this.
Who is so not-blase about appearing on TV that I think someone who realizes his face is being seen by millions (or at least thousands) is allowed to tell his friends/relatives, "hey, I made the big time"?
I wasn't in the "Crown Seats" - merely in the "View Box" section - but when I was at the K a month ago, and I realized that the between-innings "fan cam" was on me, I stood up and waved. And I picked up the hand of my infant daughter (who was on my pre-standing-up lap) and made her wave. I didn't have my cell phone handy, and it was only visible within the stadium and not on TV, but if I knew someone who could have seen it but might not have been looking, I sure would have called them. My face (and my cute little girl's face) in front of 15,000 people? How often does an ordinary guy get that?
Does this make me a jerk?
Chaim Mattis Keller
New York City's # 1 Royals Fan!