Mark Teahen once rocked a Big Black Security t-shirt to the Royals clubhouse, so you know he's OK with me.
He said his favorite episode is the one where they break the Guinness World Records, and I'll never understand why the Guinness guy said Big Black would be disqualified from the powdered donuts record if he licked his lips.
For the record, my favorite moment was when they net-gunned Spiderman, but this is neither here nor there.
Teahen, of course, is the Royals' starting right fielder at the moment, except for when he's the starting left fielder, and except for the times he might play first base this year, and he also might DH a little and figures to be the third baseman if Alex Gordon ever went down. Got all that?
When he moved from third to right last year, I remember him acknowledging that the more positions he's able to play, the more attractive he'll be when it comes time for free agency. And when he moved from right to left this year, I remember him joking that he was a little upset about it, "until I saw Jose Guillen throw."
Recently, Teahen was nice enough to be Ball Star's newest interview, and since he's the funniest guy on the team, we're probably going to ask him back.
Favorite restaurant in Kansas City: Capital Grille.
What about outside Kansas City?
I don't know. I'm locked in on Capital Grille right now. Their lobster macaroni and cheese keeps me coming back.
Favorite baseball memory?
It'd probably have to be when I was 15, and my Little League team went all the way to this World Series. We won three or four tournaments and made it all the way out to Florida.
It was the group of friends I grew up with and everything, so that would be it. (editor's note: Teahen recalls this experience with all the excitement of an afternoon nap.)
I gotta tell you. The boredom in your voice is not selling the memory for me.
(laughs). No, it was. It was the summer I realized, I got out of Yucaipa and realized I could play with guys around the country and was good enough. So it was a huge summer for me.
Fair enough. OK, I know you thought these were all going to be fluffy questions...
Yeah, let's get a hard-hitting one.
OK, can you confirm or deny the rumor I heard about you owning the soundtrack to Legally Blonde: The Musical?
(laughs) I don't know where you're getting your information. I actually don't own it. Billy Butler does. I'll admit that I borrowed it and I know a song or two.
You know the words?
Yeah. Oh My God is I think the name of it. It's a classic.
Please tell me, what makes a good musical?
(laughs) I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer that. Catchy tunes and a lot of energy.
Now I'll let you blast someone else. Who is your worst-dressed teammate?
Well, Butler would be the easy answer.
I sense you want to dig deeper.
Yes I do. Jimmy Gobble struggles. I'm not sure he puts in much effort. He's pretty content just to be wearing whatever he's wearing.
Is that the married guy in him?
(laughs) Probably. I hope I'm not knocking his wife, because she probably dresses him.
OK, changing subjects a little, how long was the buffer between when Gordon took the ball off his face at the end of last season and when you could offically start making fun of him for it?
(laughs) About a month or so. I think when he realized he wasn't going to have a huge bloody nose for his wedding, then he was OK with the jokes.
But you had to let it sit for a while?
Yeah, you have to make sure he's fine for the wedding. Then we could let it fly.
At some point, you started mixing in stand-up with your interview answers. If that was an effort to keep reporters from asking you questions, it totally backfired.
That's more or less me. Early on in my career, I didn't say much...Geez, 'Early on in my career,' like I've been here forever, but...my rookie year I didn't say much because that was my role. Eventually I was like, whatever, I might as well be myself.
OK, if the benches clear, what teammate would you want to have your back?
Hmmm. Not Joey Gathright (editor's note: Gathright was standing nearby). I'm gonna go with Miguel Olivo. Olivo's huge.
That'd be my pick, too.
Yeah. I'd just follow him.
Does it give you more or less respect for Jose Reyes for getting in the fight with him last year?
I don't know exactly how it went down, but, yeah, to square off with him, you'd have to be pretty confident.
What opposing player would you want to avoid?
(Kyle) Farnsworth. Because he's huge. But I know his move (2:50 mark).
He goes with the dip, lift, and drop. So I just gotta stay low to the ground if Farnsworth comes my way.
That's beautiful. You were on the Royals Caravan through Nebraska with Gordon. Who's bigger: Alex in Lincoln or you in Yucaipa.
Alex in Lincoln, for sure. I think I could go back to Yucaipa and kind of lay low. I'm not on billboards and whatnot, so I'd say he's bigger.
But I'm working on it.
Good luck, and thanks for the time.
Sure thing. Any time.
Special Ball Star bonus interview with Farnsworth:
Ball Star: I was joking with Mark Teahen, asked him who he wants to avoid if the benches clear. He says you.
Farnsworth: (after he stops laughing) I don't know what to say about that. I guess it's kind of good some of the other teams are afraid of me, but hopefully that never happens.
Ball Star: He also says he has you scouted out. Says he knows your move, the dip, lift and drop. Are you working on anything new?
Farnsworth: (more laughing) Since he thinks that, maybe I'll have to try out something else.
With sondef! Merry Christmas!